Unplanned Pregnancy, Expectant Parent Blog

Crisis Pregnancy Blog

02/18/06

Changing your mind

Posted by : Heather Lowe in Crisis Pregnancy Blog at 04:12 pm , 388 words, 41 views
Categories: Stories and situations

Usually it's expectant parents or brand new birthparents who are heartily criticized for "changing their minds" (as if re-thinking your initial decision about something so monumental is irresponsible or flighty). However, sometimes the change of heart goes the other way. That's what happened to me.

I was eight months pregnant. After a long search, I'd finally found what I thought was the perfect family on the Web. We'd communicated for months, exchanged presents, and were preparing to meet for the first time. When I talked to my growing baby, I told him that he would be going to live with these people.

It was to be a private adoption.

Little did I know they were also working with an agency.

One day, the agency in their state offered them a baby girl, already born, that they could have immediately through a foster-adopt arrangement. They brought the girl home first, then called me. At first they said they still wanted to adopt my son, and do "artificial twinning" (the adoption of two young babies the same age from different mothers). But they soon realized the little girl was all they wanted and could handle, and they broke off our plan. I was left to find new parents with just a few weeks to go before delivery. (The sense of time pressure was mistaken. I learned later that I didn't need to have parents picked out before my son's arrival, and that I could have, and should have, taken him home from the hospital to try parenting.)

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This rejection was painful and disturbing, and I hated going through it. When people hear the story, they expect me to be angry, but I really can't be. That's because I strongly support the right of all parties in an adoption to change their minds along the way.

Expectant moms in crisis pregnancies should always have the space and the freedom to change their minds, up to and for a limited period after the birth.

In my opinion, this "time to consider" should last for about one to three months after the baby is born. Some enlightened states do offer this amount of time or even longer, but unfortunately, many more allow for the unethical practice of taking immediate, irrevocable consents.

I'll talk more about why this is wrong in a subsequent post.

7 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Archives [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

We were rejected by a couple as well. There is nothing so deep as the pain of realizing that your child isn't the perfect one for them like it would be for you.

Permalink 02/18/06 @ 19:03

Comment from: Ellen Rardin [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

What a good post. There are so many stories about the change of heart on the part of a pregnant woman,but very litle about adoptive parents changing their minds at the last minute. This can and does happen,and as you pointed out,no one can be, or should be,100% commited until they are ready to sign legal documents to that effect. However,I do think(perhaps wishful thinking) that honesty is important,if couples are considering other possibilities,they should be candid about that fact.

Permalink 02/18/06 @ 19:46

Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

Maja,

Yes, I wonder how my son will feel someday to learn this aspect of his story. I know many adopted people struggle with rejection issues--and he'll have twice as many reasons to feel that way, if he does view it as a rejection.

Prospective adoptive parents often say that they feel that their particular match was "destiny" and that a given child was "meant" for them, but what my situation illustrates is that if one placement falls through, another one that does come through will actually make them just as happy. It's one more reason I feel that expectant moms shouldn't feel guilty about changing their minds. The grief of a disrupted placement is temporary, but grief resulting from a placement made for the wrong reasons is forever.

- Heather

Permalink 02/19/06 @ 12:53

Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

Ellen,

I agree--honesty and clarity are key, and are what was missing in this situation.

Had there been more counselling and professional guidance along the way, perhaps it could have been avoided. That's one reason I'm not in favor of private adoption--little to no professional guidance.

-Heather

Permalink 02/19/06 @ 12:55

Comment from: Heather [Visitor]

My oldest adopted son is 5 years old. His birthmom dealt with a similar situation. The initial adoptive parents she chose ultimately declined (they said they wanted a girl). My husband and I have talked about how to eventually relate that part of his adoption story to him because of the possibility that he will feel the double rejection Heather L describes above.

As we work on our third adoption, the whole "changing your mind" issue is by far our biggest fear. I don't agree that a disprupted placement is a temporary grief. Especially to couples like us who have struggled thought infertility.

I do agree though that it is important for both parties to have a choice and to be making those choices for the right reason.

But let's face it, the entire adoption process is ladled with grief - it's almost like one man's happiness, is another man's sadness. However, it is not even that cut and dry because there are so many ups and downs along the way and the end result can feel so bittersweet - and that feels forever. On my children's birthdays, I always feel so happy, so fortunate, an absolute celebration of them on how they came to be in our lives. But not a birthday goes by that I don't think of their birthmoms, think of how they are feeling that day and feel sadness for them with overwhelming gratitude. I always hope that they are "OK", for lack of a better word. (Both birthmoms chose to not have contact with us after placement.)

Permalink 02/19/06 @ 21:51

Comment from: Marilyn K. Phillips [Visitor] · http://??? What is a URL

Just wanted to say, giving your child up to adoption is the hardest think anyone can have to do. I in 1961 didn't have a choice but I do feel that anyone needs to take the that period of time (3 mo.) after wards sounds like a good idea, I believe it could make all the difference in the world to have some time once you've had your baby to have some time after the birth to think and plan if possible to have a more firm plan. I personally had NO support in keeping my daughter but the decision certainly changed my entire life.

Permalink 02/20/06 @ 19:15

Comment from: Brittanys1stmom [Member]

· http://www.birthmombuds.com/showcase_alicia.htm

A potential birth mother is looked down and highly publized at times if they change their mind on placing their child for adoption but potential adoptive parents are not. Sometimes the potential birth mother is blamed even when the potential adoptive parents change their mind. I agree with you about the time a mother should have to change her mind after her baby is born. It should be extended. Very well written article Heather.

Permalink 07/15/06 @ 23:19

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