December 14th, 2006
Posted By:
Categories: Post Placement

My co-blogger Heather just wrote two great posts about seeing adoption through rose colored glasses. It is funny that she wrote these today as just last night I was just discussing with a friend my thoughts and feelings on adoption and how much they have changed in the past five years.

When I first became a birthmother, I was in the euphoric stages that Heather describes in her post. I felt awesome that I helped a family have a child and focused much more on what I did than what I was loosing. I was in big time denial. I felt for certain that I’d done the best thing and told myself over and over, just as other people told me, that I did what was best.

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I would have recommended adoption to just about any one in a similar position to me at that point. I thought all teens should place their babies and not try parenting. I bought into the tactic that all children should have two parent homes.

Boy was I naïve!

Time in the adoption world, talking with others, dealing with my own adoption related grief and pain, growing up, and just life itself has changed my feelings a lot.

I know that teens can be good Moms! I’ve watched my nephew and his girl friend become kind and loving parents to their baby. Sure they make mistakes and are not perfect parents, but what parents are?? I’ve watched single mom friends scrimp and save to put food on the table for their child(ren). Sure they may struggle, but their children are very loved.

I know think adoption is not an easy solution. It is one that requires a lot of thought and should not be based solely on your age, martial status, education, etc.

Some of the women who think they will not be good mothers end up being the best and most loving mothers I have ever seen!

And I’m sure in ten years my views on adoption will be more different than they are now.

5 Responses to “Changing Views”

  1. lanilou says:

    Coley, you and I had grown through adoption for 5 years now and Im still so blessed to have some one who knows my feeling and why thay changed so much over the years. Im with you on my feeling of adoption.

  2. lizzybetinlex says:

    I agree that teen moms can make good moms. I was a teen mom. But at the same time..I was not a good teen mom. It took some growing into this mom position that I have. And..I still have so much to learn. There were times that I KNOW my Gabby would have been better off with someone else and that I could have gotten her taken away from me. But by the grace of God, I was given a second chance to be the mom to her that God wants me to be. I’m learning thats all I can say. I fall..apologize to God and Gabby for the bad example I set and then get back up again. And your thoughts on adoption being something that really needs to be thought out well before making that final decision is so true.And that it should not be a decision made based on age, marital status and education. I really agree that you have to take a really hard realistic look at things before making such a big decision. I had to.

  3. Belle says:

    I guess it would not be appropriate to say “I told you so”…as you said the dynamics of your entire being (heart, mind, and soul) are ever changing while growing and coping with the willful lose of a child! I’m however greatful to hear you share your truth, for when we spoke last you were adamant about the fact that you were unwaivering in your choice to place. While it is I would never want you to regret (guilt is a horrible thing), the more truth other’s may know when making their decision the better. To know that even if they are sure they want to place, if they chose to do so, it’s for the right reasons. Even then they will hurt or be confused at times. Maybe even wish they had done it differently. The decision to adopt is sooo eternal. While circumstances change. I am a regretful birthmother (only my choice 2 place) and my prayers are with anyone, mother, father, extended family, who are faced with this decision!

  4. Coley S. says:

    Told me so??? I’m a little lost. We talked briefly just a few weeks ago and what I am talking about is my feelings in year one of post placement vs. my feelings now five years post placement. You asked me if I regretted my decision…. I did not and do not. Do I hurt as a regret of that decision? Yes! Do I regret what led me to that decision? Yes! Do I wish things had turned out differently? Yes! But I think that is digressing from the point at hand.

  5. I am so blessed to know you Coley. You really try to focus on the positive in each situation though it is hard and that is just of the things I like about you.

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