One unexpected predicament that some birthmothers have to face after relinquishment is a change in the relationship between themselves and the adoptive family, this typically happens more often between the expectant mother and the prospective adoptive mother. Several birthmother friends have experienced this and I dealt with it myself.

During her pregnancy, once she has chosen an adoptive family, some expectant mothers begin to spend a lot of free time with or talking to the adoptive parents. Often times the adoptive mother may accompany the expectant mother to her doctor appointments. They also may talk on the phone frequently, exchange emails, instant message each other, hang out, etc. Their talk doesn’t solely revolve around the baby and adoption anymore. They are becoming friends, bonding, and growing closer.

The problem with this is the fact that once the baby is born the adoptive family may begin to pull away a little bit. I’m not talking drop off the face of the earth and close the adoption, but more of not chatting quite as often or something similar.

Why does this happen? Before the baby is born (especially if this is the prospective adoptive parent’s first child) they have more free time and their only connection to the baby is via the expectant mother so getting close to her is natural and it can also make things seem less awkward down the road.


Once the baby is born, of course, the adoptive parents become busy bonding with the baby, getting used to being parents (especially if this is their first baby), new sleeping schedules, feeding schedules, and all the things that come along with being the new parent of a newborn and just don’t have as much as free time to chit chat and hang out as they did before.

Am I saying that you shouldn’t get close to the adoptive parents during your pregnancy? Absolutely not! If you are comfortable getting close to them then go for it. Ultimately it could make the relationship less awkward later on down the road. I’m just warning you that this is an issue that sometimes comes up and you should be aware of it.

I got very close with A during my pregnancy and when it was time to leave the hospital, I recall thinking that not only was I loosing my baby but I was loosing a new friend too. I shared that with her and once she assured me that we would still talk some as before, and more importantly, once she actually did it and proved it, things were ok.

--
Related Posts:
Spending Time with the Chosen Family
Communication with Prospective Adoptive Parents before Birth