Birthmother Alicia H. entrusted her son to adoptive parents based on a close relationship developed during the course of her pregnancy. Less than two months after his placement, the agreement had already been violated.

“The second they got home they cut off the 1-800 number they had established for us during my pregnancy. They have refused to acknowledge letters and packages we have sent. The only way we can contact them is through the attorney that handled our adoption. Needless to say, this is not what they promised, and definitely not what we expected. It is the deepest hurt I think could ever be done to me. I decided to go through with this because I cared about them, loved them, and trusted them. It kills me to know that if I had gone through a decent agency, I could see my son. Now, I can't even talk to his parents. I want to tell them exactly what I think of them. But I know that I can't. Assuming I ever hear from them again I’ll have to suck up for the next 18 years, possibly longer, just to have access to information about my son.”

While betrayal by adoptive parents happens all too frequently, it’s important to note that the shoe can go on the other foot. Though not too common, birthparents sometimes break adoptive parents’ trust by promising to stay in contact and then dropping out of sight. This usually happens when the birthparents have a poor sense of self-esteem or do not understand their own importance to their child. All parties need to understand that open adoption is a responsibility, not a privilege. Genuine open adoption is done for the sake of the child. It is not a favor to birthparents. Adoptive parents who need the birthparents to be there for the child and cannot get their participation can be just as grief-stricken as a cut-off birthparent. For any type of parent, it is heartbreaking to see a child in need and not be able to help.

The betrayal of a birthparent is a terrible thing in itself, but it is not the worst part of the damage. The worst part is the adoptive parents taking away something that belongs to the children…their heritage and the opportunity to know who and where they came from. It is the child who should own all relationships to both kinds of families, not the adoptive parents. Social worker and adoption expert Jim Gritter has written an excellent covenant addressing this truth, one which is perfect for use at entrustment ceremonies. Entitled “Our Understanding of Open Adoption,” the pact talks about the need for birth and adoptive parents to work together for the good of the child. It states the belief that relationships thrive in an atmosphere of honesty and mutual respect, and ends with a pledge to, among other things,

· Center on the child and elevate his or her interest above our own.
· Be honest in all our interactions.
· Take the time to consider situations from the perspective of others.
· Protect the honor and reputation of the others in this relationship.
· Stay flexible and open to new possibilities.
· Be direct in the expression of feelings.
· Consider mediation in the event of major misunderstanding or disagreement.

What is the benefit of making such a commitment? To begin with, it’s a basis for doing the right thing. Adoptive parents who live by this agreement could not be accused of breaking anyone’s trust. Their children’s birthparents would not have to "beg for crumbs," belittling themselves by continually having to ask for what was promised. Most importantly, the mutual child of parents who honor this agreement would be raised in an atmosphere of love, security and trust. Isn’t that what adoption is supposed to be about?