To some, the idea of such an about-face is not that big a deal. “Things change,” this line of reasoning goes. “Maybe they decided it wasn’t good for the child to have contact. Maybe they wanted to move on with their lives.” While it’s true that flexibility and room for change has to be built into adoptive relationships, the basic premise or foundation of that relationship is what holds everything together, and should not be open for revision. A birthmother chooses parents for her child based in large part on level of contact promised. Reneging on that agreement isn’t a mere parenting decision. It has consequences for many others as well, including a birthmother’s subsequent children. Writes one woman,

“When my birthdaughter was eight, her parents terminated all contact and would not tell me why." (This birthmother later learned that the problem was an abusive adoptive father who eventually abandoned the family.) "By this time I had been married for some time and had another child who had been encouraged by the adoptive family to know her sister. I contacted the agency that had promised me lifetime counseling, but they washed their hands of the situation, saying there was nothing they could do. The grief was like a death for me and left my raised daughter utterly confused.”

This issue of subsequent children is one reason it’s very common for more contact after the placement than either party thought they’d want beforehand. Siblings want and need to know each other, and the adopted child as well as the raised child may wish to see each other regardless of whether or not contact was initially discussed. Ethical adoptive parents will be prepared to foster the relationship, while Acceptors or Rejectors will probably hold to a rigid definition of what was agreed to beforehand.

When birthmothers gather to support each other through instances of dashed hopes and broken trust, their first instinct is to make excuses for the adoptive parents. “Maybe they’re too busy to send pictures. Maybe I’ve said or done something wrong. Maybe they are afraid of me.” However, excuses are just that—excuses. No adoptive parent should ever be “too busy” to uphold the promises made to their child’s birthparent. Nor do they have any reason to fear losing their parenthood, which is unassailable by law. Most birthparents trip over themselves trying to show that they are not a threat, that they do not want to infringe on the adoptive parents’ authority, and that they only want to remain a presence for the peace of mind of their child. In the end, there is no good reason for an adoptive parent not to honor their commitments. Another post to a birthmother support group:

“I feel so exploited, used, and naive. I honestly believed them. Why shouldn't I have? I just want to tell them that the reason they have a beautiful child right now is because they promised me phone calls, pictures, and letters. They have a child through deception. How can they live with themselves?”

In a situation like this a birthmother feels pain for herself, but she also hurts for her child. She worries how the adoptive parents’ actions will affect her child.

“What kind of lessons is this teaching my child, that it’s not necessary to keep your word? What will he think of his adoptive parents when he finds out the truth? And what will he think of me for choosing such people as parents?”

(continued)