Part of the reason is that the balance of power shifts after the adoption. Crass as it may seem to talk about babies in economic terms, adoption today is governed by supply and demand. There are more homes needing babies than babies needing homes. Hundreds of thousands of hopeful adoptive parents are vying for a healthy baby, while a miniscule portion of women in crisis pregnancies opt for adoption. As a result, prospective parents must actively market themselves in hopes of finding a match. Some take the marketing concept too far, saying and doing things they aren’t really comfortable with just to attract a pregnant woman. The intent was never to follow through.

So while the expectant mother was once in full control, after the birth, roles reverse. The adoptive parents who so heavily courted the expectant mother are now under no obligation to honor anything they said, since open adoption agreements are by and large not legally enforceable. Fewer than ten states have provisions for enforcing adoption agreements, and their provisions vary widely. All other states have no statutes of any kind.

How can the tragedy of broken promises be averted? Ideally this work should be done by the “professionals” arranging an adoption, since most women in crisis pregnancies and most pre-adoptive parents don’t know the difference between a truly open adoption and a semi-open one. Unfortunately, in today’s adoption climate, this vital work is not being done. Agencies and attorneys alike continue to spread the lie that “open adoption” means pictures and letters once a year. Pregnant women are never told that open adoption is about relationships, and ongoing, reciprocal contact between birth and adoptive families. Pre-adoptive parents aren’t provided with information that shows the benefits to the child of having a lasting relationship with his or her birthfamily.

Until the day when agencies are practicing truly open adoptions, the burden will remain exactly where it shouldn’t be: with the expectant mother. A woman considering adoption must interview prospective parents long and hard about their commitment to openness. She has to make sure the couples she’s considering “get it” by assessing whether they truly desire an open adoption relationship or are merely willing to participate. {In her research on open adoption, Harriet Gross classifies adoptive parents into three categories: Rejectors (those who deny birthfamily and reject any contact), Acceptors (those who will put up with birthfamily contact in order to obtain a child), and Embracers (those who understand the value of their child having access to his or her roots, and who actively welcome a two-way relationship with the birthfamily). There is a world of difference between Rejectors, Acceptors and Embracers. While being "accepted" might sound good, it’s actually the most dangerous situation, since those are the very people who will turn the minute they feel “safe” to do so}.

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