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While reading books about pregnancy is vital to your journey, reading and learning about adoption is important if you are even remotely considering relinquishment. It’s hard to know where to start. Unfortunately many books on the subject are outdated but don’t come with a warning that says, “This book no longer applies to adoption as we know it.” I can think of three books that are recent and relevant.
1. The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Presenting readers with a multi-birthmother account of the Baby Scoop Era, this book is a necessary read for anyone touched by adoption. Some people try to dismiss it as history and, as such, unimportant for people dealing with current issues. Not the case. The history of these birth mothers could also be your history. Their story could be your shared story. By reading this book, mothers considering relinquishment will be better aware of some of the unethical things done to mothers in the past. While very few will be coerced or treated in such an outright illegal manner as some mothers in the book, I believe reading this book will bring some red flags to the attention of mothers attempting to make this very difficult decision. Knowing the history of a group of people you may be about to join is also quite important. Their history is your history should you choose to place. Learn!
2. The Spirit of Open Adoption by James L Gritter. If you are considering placement, you need to learn about open adoption. In this day in age, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be allowed continuing contact with your relinquished child. (Unless you are abusing drugs or alcohol and/or pose a threat to your child or the family. That’s a very small number of mothers considering voluntary relinquishment.) Agencies and attorneys aren’t doing the best possible job when it comes to educating expectant parents or potential adoptive families on the topic of open adoption. Some agencies are trying to sell families on yearly pictures and letters, never letting them know that visits are a possibility. Gritter’s book (along with Lifegivers, which is more for post-adoption but an equally important read) helps both sides of the adult triad understand, as the title says, the spirit of open adoption. (As a note: remember that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states. Please research the laws of your state.)
3. The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. This is a controversial book and, perhaps, a controversial suggestion for this post. This book addresses the believed trauma that adopted children when they are separated from their first mother. Many birth mothers find this to be a very difficult read, dealing with guilt over their role in said trauma. I believe that reading this book prior to placement will help birth mothers better understand adoption, adoptees and their role in the matter. Furthermore, I believe this book allows mothers considering adoption to understand how their continued presence, via open adoption, is vital to their child’s well being. While the book has been known to make birth mothers feel guilty for their choice to place, I am of the opinion that if a mother considering relinquishment knows about these issues prior to the birth and placement of her child, she will be better equipped to handle the emotional fallout. There will be no point of learning what she has done, years later, as many of us have had to endure. Accepting responsibility and moving through the guilt of it all is something we must all do. Doing it sooner, rather than later, can be beneficial for all involved in the relationship.
(As a side note: we’re giving away three copies of The Primal Wound. Go enter!)
There are many other books on the market. As I said, it’s unfortunate that some old, out-dated books aren’t removed from the market. I know that one I read in the immediate aftermath of post-placement was so horribly out-dated, awful and generally unhelpful. The good news is that there are also many blogs written by birth mothers that can help you make sense of the decision you are currently considering. Read the books. Read the blogs. Ask questions of other birth mothers and those touched by adoption. Going into the decision to place as a well-informed mother is never a bad thing.
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