I’ve been thinking lately about the way having a baby radically changes you.

It doesn’t matter whether you ultimately raise your child or not—you will never be the same person you were before you became a mother.

Looking back on my own pregnancy, I can see that I had the impression that as long as I gave up my son, my life would go back to the way it was before I got pregnant. This is of course not even remotely close to how it actually plays out. In reality, the moment you deliver, you become a new person. You stop looking at the world only through your eyes, and start seeing through your child's as well. The things that were important to you before motherhood (for me, this was international travel and other manifestations of independence) take a back seat to the much more important reality of your child.

So how exactly did I change, before and after my adoption experience?

Before pregnancy:• I thought there was such a thing as a “better” family for a child, and ignored the merits of the natural family.
• I had no qualms about thinking some people and some families were just “better” than others, and that kids should be moved out of a less-good family and put into the “best” family. (Think what would happen if we did this with all children.)
• I thought every child needed two parents, or else the child would be automatically and irreparably damaged.
• I thought you could move kids around from family to family without their feeling much effect.
• I thought that when women gave up their kids, it meant they didn’t want them.
• I thought if I surrendered, I would just go back to my life, and continue being basically the same person I was before becoming a mother.
• I trusted in the promises others made to me, and believed that people were usually up-front about their motivations and intentions.
• I thought that I would pretty much agree with the decisions his new parents would make for him, and that it would not be difficult to sit back and watch the effect of their choices.

After delivery:

• My son is on my mind every day. There is no such thing as forgetting.
• I grieve for him constantly. I am a much less lighthearted person now than I was before. Though I can still laugh and have fun (now), I have an underlying sadness nothing will ever erase.
• I have been astonished by the depth of the loss caused by adoption, the amount of pain it has brought about for so many people, and the endless repercussions of the decision. Every week there is some new thing that I hadn’t considered I’d need to deal with.
• My family has suffered as my parents, siblings, etc. struggle with their own guilt, shame and regret about the decision.
• Close relationships (boyfriend, partner) are impaired by a lack of trust and the persistent fear that I will lose others I love.
• I am more suspicious of others’ motivations, and distrust their promises.
• Though I don’t have the responsibilities of parenting, I am not at all “free” of responsibility. Where I move, who I date, my long-range plans—all of these must factor in the reality of my son. There is no making a decision without him in mind.
• I experience feelings of powerlessness while my son is sick or needing help, and don’t always agree with his adoptive parents’ approach to his needs.

What I’ve gained:

I know all this sounds very negative, and for me, it has been. But nothing is ever all bad, so what good things have come from my adoption decision?

• I now have much more empathy for others in pain. I understand loss in a way I never could have before, and I can usually sense without asking when others have experienced loss in their own life.

• Another benefit is that I am now much more willing to keep working on difficult or tricky relationships (such as mine with his adoptive parents) because I know there is a bigger goal. I’ve gained a sense of persistence at making things work.

• And a third change for the better is this: I no longer listen to others who try to tell me what I “should” do. Clearly, I got burned by giving too much weight to “shoulds” and “oughts.” These days, I follow my own intuition to a much greater degree.

So those are three good things that came out of adoption for me.

It's interesting to note, though, that very few of these plusses and minuses are the same things I thought I would gain or lose by surrendering. It’s hard to know until you get there exactly how surrender will play out in your own life. That’s why in adoption, there is a definite before and after.