January 6th, 2012
Posted By:
Categories: Decisions, Emotions

heartThis has been a subject on my heart for a long time, something I haven’t been sure about how to approach until now.

My pregnancies were really difficult emotionally and physically, as I spent one preparing to parent and one to place 7 years after that. Both choices are hard, and both have long term effects on your life.

There was a lot of dark times when I was pregnant both times (ages 16 and 25), but I will focus on Phoenix’s for the purpose of this blog.

I remember fear so deep that it paralyzed me and kept me downtrodden, depression that could have capsized the Titanic with a thought. I didn’t have a lot of family support and spent my pregnant life simply trying to survive.


Needless to say I didn’t glow; I glowered.

In the last few months, though, as Phoenix’s approach became more real to me, I prepared by doing some paperwork and meeting with a case worker who didn’t tell me how hard it would be.

Becoming. What a powerful word. It is a word that in this written sense means a present tense. When you choose to place, you choose to become. You become a shadow in someone else’s life by choice, because of a sacrificial love that even you will be surprised and changed by.

Becoming a birth-first mom or dad is a sacrifice. Read the blogs of adoptive parents and you will see. Read the blogs on open adoption on this site and you will find sacrifice and love greater than you thought you may ever find, outside of Jesus Christ’s ever-abounding love and sacrifice for us. (Not trying to step on any “toes,” but I am a believer, so well, glean what you will from the blog as it aids you)

The sacrifice is worth the cost. In the middle of the night when you feel like you are going to lose your mind, when you can’t stop crying because it hurts so bad, it’s worth it. In the morning, even when sorrow lingers, you are stronger.

You may think you don’t have the capacity to go through with adoption as an option, but when you know, and I mean really know adoption is the choice for your child, you grow, and let me tell you–I have never met a birth-first parent who didn’t possess the strength of character that you earn with tears, fears, and mourning.

It is not something everyone can do, but to everyone who has gone through it, as hard as some days are, we are pretty awesome people. So don’t fret or worry. It will hurt but you will rise out of the ashes of your sorrow and find your way. It may take some time, but be patient with yourself.

Because that selfless love you have inside you for that life you want the best for is yours and you are worthy of that same love.

Be gentle and kind to yourself, wherever you are in the adoption triad.


Nellie J.

Photo Credit

3 Responses to “Becoming A Birth-First Mother”

  1. Beautiful insight. Thank you for sharing.

  2. kwquilter says:

    I’m glad you’re happy with your Kool-Aid and decision. Most of the birthmothers are not happy with their surrender. And a lot of adoptive parents are happy we made the sacrifice so they could have a child, but heaven forbid we contact our children later. The ideal birthparent disappears, or more conveniently, dies. We’ll all be around when you wake up to your pain.

  3. provplace says:

    Becoming a mother is great gift that a women get. But some times situation force us to take step like adoption…..but thinking positively, your step “giving child for adoption” give a chance to another women to also be a mother….this job is great….

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