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I was recently reading the blog of a friend and fellow birthmom. In one of her posts, she talks about attachment and whether or not birthmoms attach to their babies. In a nut shell, she said that she tried not to attach, but she did, because it was almost impossible for her not to.
I tried not to attach myself to Supergirl. Boy, did I. I tried to tell myself that I was not pregnant. You couldn’t tell me that I was. I fought about it. I denied it.
I tried not to attach but then I was hooked up to the fetal monitor and she moved. She didn’t want us to bother her. So here I am, lying in a hospital bed with a nurse chasing her around with the monitor so that we could get her heartbeat. All I could do was laugh. That was when I knew I was attached to her.
I did the exact same thing! As soon as I chose Charlie’s adoptive parents, I started thinking of him as S and A’s baby, almost as if I was a surrogate carrying their baby for them. I hate to admit that, but in the beginning that is how I thought of the situation. I thought that if I detached, if I kept telling myself over and over that he was A’s baby, eventually my heart would believe it and it would make placing Charlie for adoption easier.
In theory, it sounds like a pretty good idea. After all, I was trying to protect my heart. In reality, it didn’t work and only left me feeling guilty. It was a defense mechanism. The truth is though, it was just impossible to not attach to that little life fluttering around inside of me. He was a part of me growing under my heart. Although, I knew my plans were not to raise him, he was still a part of me, a part of my soul, and a piece of my heart, I couldn’t deny that.
When I finally realized that the little defense mechanism I dreamed up wasn’t going to work and my heart was going to hurt regardless, I let my guard down and let myself bond with my sweet baby. I sang to him, I talked to him, and I told him how much I loved him. I’m glad that I came to my senses and allowed myself to create those memories. Even though he doesn’t remember those times, I will never forget them.
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