I thought that one way to give you the widest possible range of advice would be to ask my birthparent friends what they would say to you. That way, you can hear from women and men in all kinds of adoptions, from open to closed, and from those who are satisfied with their decision as well as those who think it was a mistake.

Here’s the first installment.

Paula Henderson is a birthmom from New York. Her birth daughter is almost 17, and they have a fully open adoption. Paula volunteers as a birth mother support group leader. She writes:

“What would I tell a pregnant woman who is looking at all her options?

First - no choice you make will be an easy choice.
All options to a crisis pregnancy have positives and
negatives. Look seriously into all your options and
decide for yourself what is the right thing for you
and your baby. Accept useful information from others
but don't let anyone else tell you what choice is best
for you, because they have not walked in your shoes.
Listen also to the negative experiences of others
because you can learn from it and possibly avoid
mistakes that they made.

My adoption experience was very positive, but I
educated myself about adoption beforehand. Many
birth mothers I talk to who don't do that or who
blindly trust the first lawyer/agency they talk to end
up feeling like their post adoption experience was
full of negatives.

If you decide adoption is the best option for you and
your baby, then educate yourself on your state's
adoption laws and call several adoption agencies
before you pick the one right for you. Look closely
at whose interests are most important to the agency.
Are they non-profit? Are they in business to find
babies for adoptive parents... or preferably are they
trying to find the right families for the babies who
need a home? What type of pre-adoption training do
they make all their adoptive parents take (the more
education on adoption that you and the adoptive family
have, the more likely that the post-adoption
relationships will flourish and overcome any
miscommunication.) Does the agency treat you with
respect and answer, in a straightforward way, all your
questions and concerns? Do they tell you the truth
even if it might be an answer that you don't like or
that might make you reconsider your adoption decision?
Does the agency inform you of the benefits of fully
open adoption and tell you that open adoption is a
life-long relationship for the birth family, adoptive
family, and adoptee? Most of all do they tell you
that after giving birth to the baby, placing your new
baby for adoption will be the toughest thing you'll
ever do in your life? Does the agency offer the
chance to talk with other birth mothers, counseling,
active post adoption support groups, and help with
finding resources in your community to help you get
back on your feet after the adoption?

Mainly what I'm saying is that this is the biggest
decision you'll ever make in your life, so educate
yourself first. You're making a decision that will
affect you and your baby for the rest of your lives so
you owe it to everyone to make the best decision that
you can.”

Thanks Paula – I think this is all very good advice. I look forward to sharing the wisdom of other birthmoms with you in upcoming posts.