When I gave birth to my son, the adopting parents were there. His mother-to-be stood at my right side, the father-to-be at my left. They each held one of my hands as I pushed, and the adoptive father-to-be cut the cord. Afterward, they were constant visitors at the hospital, and their family members filled the room, displacing my own friends and family. Needless to say, I didn’t get much alone time with my son. Our goodbyes were rushed, and less than private.

I allowed all this because I understood that it is natural for adopting parents to want to be present at the birth of what will soon become their child. I also thought it would be polite of me to "share."

However, in hindsight I greatly regret this decision, for several reasons.

1. Never again will I have my first child. I took what was the proudest, most special moment of my life and made it public for the sake of others. The delivery experience should have been my own, but I transferred it before I even got to savor it. This made every moment much less satisfying for me. (For example, when my priest was trying to do a private baptism/blessing for my son, the adopting parents were impatiently clearing their throats in the hallway. They couldn't wait to get inside and see their new baby.)



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2. Their presence also acted as a severe pressure to go through with the plan. At the hospital, I started to see that I was making the wrong choice, but I didn’t get to re-make my decision, because they were waiting to collect “their” child. I wanted to call off the adoption, but did not know how to disappoint them and their entire extended family. I felt like it would have been weak, bed-ridden me against ten very hurt and angry people, and I simply wasn’t up to fighting that battle.



3. Having the adopting parents in the delivery room serves their needs, but does it really serve the child’s needs? I once heard a pre- and perinatal psychologist put it this way: “Who does the child want in the delivery room?” Immediately after birth, the child is looking for his or her mother. By this I mean the baby's mother at the time--the mother he or she already knows by voice, touch and smell. Passing off the baby to new people immediately upon arrival does not make for the gentlest of transitions. There will be time later on for adoptive mom and baby to bond, but right away is not when it needs to happen.

So while my son’s adoptive parents certainly appreciated the chance to witness his entrance into the world, and still do, I wish that I had not allowed it.

As a postscript, my son’s adoptive mother eventually went on to have her own biological child. But she got to enjoy her first birth experience unencumbered by me. I often think about how different things would be if I hadn’t so carelessly granted the privilege of being at mine.

If you are 100% sure about your adoption decision, you may still wish to have the adopting parents in the delivery room. That is certainly your call. If you do invite them, however, be sure that they understand that you will want (and need) the space to verify that your adoption plan is still the right one for you and your baby.