In Faith’s recent post in the Hoping to Adopt blog, she talked about how both adoptive parents and the expectant mother (or parents) that are making an adoption plan together need to try and lay out boundaries and ground rules before the baby is born. I totally agree and have conveyed this in previous posts such as Post Adoption Contact Agreements.

There is one important point that I don’t think I stressed enough and that is: Leave room for flexibility. You don’t know how you are going to feel once you become a birthmother until you actually become a birthmother. You can think about how you might feel and what you think you will feel once you sign relinquishment papers, but you won’t actually know until it’s done. So if at all possible, when discussing boundaries and ground rules with prospective adoptive parents leave yourself a little room for flexibility in case your feelings change.

Here are two examples:
Jennifer (who was last week’s Birthmom of the Week) originally thought she wanted a closed adoption. She thought that not seeing her baby and having a closed adoption would make it easier on her. This being her first child, she was overwhelmed by the love and emotions she felt and later decided she wanted a more open adoption. Luckily, the adoptive parents were open to it.

Another example is my friend M. She planned to visit her child once a year. She and the adoptive parents had become close during her pregnancy and after the birth of their son, they all realized once a year was not enough in their situation and now visit about six times a year.

So, my point being, giving birth is such an overwhelming experience that many first time mothers are blown away (I was!) by the love they feel for their child, so when you are discussing future contact, don’t forget to discuss the need for flexibility!