Secrets and shelved information is shocking and life-alerting.

How we talk about adoption to my youngest son, age 2.5, isn't going to be the same way we talk about it to him when he's six and twelve and 20.

As he gets older his questions and understanding will change the shape of our conversations.

I don't see why this wouldn't be the case for my son's biological half-brother. His life is just as much touched by adoption.

I should clarify, I agree with Coley and Laura. :)

I agree with all of you - but I'd also like to comment on Dear Abby's assumption about when it's ok to talk to kids about "the facts of life." I've been talking to my kids about your basic "facts of life" since they first noticed the differences between boys and girls. Of course, they're not old enough (at 4 and 7) for me to talk to them about "the consequences of unprotected sex" but it seems like that discussion, much like the discussion of adoption, is probably easiest to do early on and when it comes up naturally. If you wait until they're older to discuss either thing they're just going to feel weird about it (and so will the adult doing the discussion).
I know I'm thread-jacking, here, but it was just something that struck me when reading this entry.

Adrienne,

I think you've hit the nail on the head here--the key to talking about issues is to do it early, often, and naturally. It's when we make a "big announcement" that we've been keeping secret for years that things tend to get messed up.

For kids whose lives are touched by adoption, adoption is a normal part of their lives. So why should parents feel afraid to talk about it?

My oldest child has always known about her older 3 bio siblings who are being raised by her bio grandparents...but the other 3 did not always know she was their sister. We went along with our visits with the understanding that our daughter from her earliest memory would know who they were(we visit a few times a year)We were shocked to find when our daughter was 3 years old they(the bio grands)had still not made it clear(to the 3) she was their sister! I discussed this with grandma. I let her know I understood she was their parent, but that we needed to come to some compromise because our views on when the children should know their true relationship differed. She agreed and we decided to postpone visits till the subject had been addresssed to the older 3 children who were 10,8&4 at the time my daughter was born. The grandparents did tell the older children & they responded well. Although they were happy to learn she was a sister to them from time to time I do get some sadness expressed from them because they did not know sooner. Things like "Gosh I would have liked to do this with you as my sister, but I am sorry I didn't know at the time". I feel like their grandparents choice to delay telling this information may have taken away some of the closer bonding they might have shared if they knew. I know the grandparents love all the kids though & it was not intentional.
Now my middle child has welcomed a new bio sibling who is being raised by her birth mother, so we experience this again but as parents of the older sibling. Already we have talked with her b-mom about how we plan to share information about her sibling with our daughter. Our daughter knows he is her little brother, but he will not live in our home or have us as his parents. She knows they share the same birth mother. We have also let her know reguardless of this he IS her sibling. Her b-mom has been very open with us and plans to let her son know about his special relationship as a younger brother from the very start.
I wonder at how much Dear Abby really knows about children affected by adoption to suggest what she did. To my way of thinking being open and honest from the earliest memory builds the belief for your child that adoption is a normal and acceptable thing. If a child feels secure early on then I think it lessens the losses involved for them. It also helps them develop a comfort level that allows them to be closer to bio sibs then they might if they were not aware till later...at least that has been my experience.
To Dear Abby I would say when giving advice about something you may have no solid experience with, ask for the help of someone who has been there.

I think that it is stupid to not tell!! What does that accomplish in the long run? Absolutely nothing. It just points out that when the parented child finds out that they cannot trust their parent. And what about the adopted child? To me that sends that message that you are embarrassed by that child and then what kind of relationship can you hope to have?

It bothers me immensly that the outside view of adoption is that all birthmothers are one of the following: Poor, Drug Addicts, loose between the legs and the list can go on. When contrary that is not the case for the majority of adoptions. When people of the older generation make comments it sickens me that they feel that we should still be hiding in a closet. That we should be ashamed of our decision to give our children a better life. Adoption needs alot of reform in order to make things better for everyone involved, and unfortunatley with the typical view as abby's there is no wonder why changes haven't been made. We need to adjust to the era we are living and stop living in the 1950's on the views of adoption. Society needs to start considering not only the feelings of the birthparents but also the children involved. It has been proven in numerous case studies that the emotional and psychological effects caused on children of adoption not knowing where they came from and why they were placed for adoption are extremely severe for most cases. So then why does our government not make changes to help eleviate this effect. Yes we have open adoptions but there really is no such legal adoption other then closed. We have to depend strictly on the word of the adoptive parents and vice versa that we will remain in contact. In my opinion instead of Dear Abby concerning herself with someone hiding an adoption till they can better understand? Why not concern herself with the long term effects and trauma she is causing for more then one party with her statement. Sorry for venting just fires me up!