An article out of Cleveland caught my eye this morning. It talked about unplanned pregnancy with a positive tone instead of the normal doom-and-gloom that normally accompanies the subject. It also painted a realistic portrait of the hardships of young parenthood and the importance of family support.

I know that when I first found out I was pregnant with the Munchkin, I was nervous to tell my parents. I feared their reaction. It is true, as well, that we had a lot of issues and communication problems on both my part and theirs of the course of my pregnancy. However, when I come across expectant parents who are considering keeping their pregnancies a secret from their parents (with intent to place and, as such, keep the whole thing "hush-hush"), I encourage them to tell their parents.

The two examples in the article are the reason I encourage expectant parents to share their "secret" with their families. Of course, as you can see if you read, that support doesn't always come immediately or without other issues. It can, however, make a world of difference.

In fact, in the first story, the expectant father's family pushed for adoption. In the end, they had the mother move in with them and helped both the father and mother get on their feet through finishing their education and eventually marrying. She acknowledges that without that help, it would have been nearly impossible. She did, of course, note her own sacrifices due to the early pregnancy; she had to be discharged from the Navy. A note from me, who is parenting children while married and stable, is that all parents make sacrifices from time to time for their children.

In the second story, we see a family that did offer their full support and, yet, again, she talks of the realities of parenting. (Cleaning takes me a whole day, too. Or two. Or maybe three.)

Let these stories be an encouragement to you. If you haven't yet told your parents of your unplanned pregnancy, please do so. If you have already done so and their reaction was less than positive, allow them a little time to digest the news. If you are already having communication problems with your parents regarding this pregnancy, I urge the lot of you to get into a counseling situation. For you alone, for them alone/together and for all of you together. An unbiased third party with experience in this area will help you sort through emotions and make the best and most informed decisions possible.

You don't have to become a statistic just because you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Your family can help you in that regard. Let them.

Photo Credit: Jyn Meyer.

If you're experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, you may be a little apprehensive about this holiday season. The holidays are notorious for family gatherings, running into old friends and general public meetings. How far along you are in your pregnancy will have an affect on how you might need to deal with people and their questions this season.

If you're just newly pregnant, you won't likely have to field questions in public places. Running into a friend at the mall won't present a requirement to explain the basketball under your coat if you still aren't showing. You can, therefore, pick and choose whom you will tell about the pregnancy. When I say pick and choose, I do mean to be selective. The holidays are emotional enough on their own. And so, on one hand, you will need some emotional support during this time. On the other hand, you don't necessarily need the judgment of others at this time either. I do recommend that you tell your own parents (before Christmas Eve or day) but, other than that, carefully choose who you wish to tell.

If your "baby bump" is already showing, you are likely to have to do some explaining whilst out in public. If you run into an old friend or acquaintance at the mall, they will likely ask why you are trying to smuggle a basketball out of the mall under your shirt. Or, you know, inquire about the pregnancy, the baby and the situation in general. Remember that in situations like this, you can choose how much information you share. You don't have to lie and, in fact, I don't suggest lying to anyone about a pregnancy. But you don't have to answer questions that you are uncomfortable with either.

An example: You run into an old friend from high school. You haven't seen each other since you graduated seven months ago. You weren't close enough to warrant contact past graduation day. You are six months pregnant and definitely showing.

Her: Oh! Are you pregnant?!
You: Yes.
Her: Wow. I never thought you would be pregnant.
You: What will be will be.
Her: Wow! Who's the Daddy?
You: You know, I'm really running late for a doctor's appointment.

Exit stage left.

And that's the best thing about unintentional run-ins right now: you can actually use your pregnancy to get out of discussion at this time. No one is going to tell you that you can't go to your appointment.

Of course, for people that you are closer to, you're likely to be forced to offer up some explanations. I would suggest letting those family members who will be attending any holiday dinners or functions know about the pregnancy ahead of time so that they can practice not sticking their feet in their mouths. Again, while they may be more likely to press for answers, you don't need to answer disrespectful questions like, "Don't you know how that happens," or especially, "So, you couldn't keep your legs together?" Excuse yourself from the conversation when those questions arise (they might very well) but do not reply. Their disrespect is not likely directed solely at you and more likely stems from an internal issue. Don't allow it to create an issue between the two of you.

I'll have some more tips for you as the season progresses. My next installment on this topic will talk about how to discuss an adoption plan and your unintended pregnancy during the extra-emotional holiday season with those in your family who are, most likely, well-intentioned but uneducated.

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I was in the process of writing yet another post about unintended teen pregnancy when I came across this article. I wasn't surprised by the title at all: Many adults face unplanned pregnancies. As a direct example of that, my brother and I were both surprises for my (married) parents. The article gets to the point right away with this very important quote:

Although many worry about the prevalence of teen pregnancy, few realize that the United States has such a high rate of unplanned pregnancy among adult women like Quinn who are in their 20s and 30s.

Of course, those who have studied statistics in adoption see how that falls in line with placement rates. The truth is that the majority of mothers placing their children for adoption are not teens but women in their 20's and 30's. And, so, what's the reason behind all of this? The article hits it again with another great quote.

“There are many young adults who will tell you, flat-out, that they’ve never talked about or considered planning for this very expensive and important thing of pregnancy, childbearing, and having kids and raising a family,” she said.

And if we want to get down to the real reason why men and women in their 20's and 30's are neglecting to talk about this important issue, I'll jump right up and say it is because we weren't taught to talk about it. By anyone. Not by our generation of parents who simply told us, sometimes in a much more crass manner, to abstain from sex. As an example, a very close friend of mine was forced to circle the day on the calendar when she started her period but her mother never told her as to why. She never knew anything about mid-cycle fertility or other signs that come up during a woman's monthly cycle. Neither was I. And neither were a large number of women my age. Our schools taught us about feminine hygiene products and used the scare tactic of explaining an episiotomy to us but, again, didn't venture out into failure rates of various methods of birth control. These were all "taboo" topics for us. Good girls and boys not only didn't have sex but they didn't talk about it.

And yet I've seen no real move towards change for our coming generation. We're still arguing over whether or not teaching abstinence or in-depth education will be the answer. Well, my generation wasn't taught anything more than to be silent about it. And that hasn't worked for us. I'm not the only one who sees the issue as the article so eloquently hits on yet again.

“In this country, people would rather talk about their grocery list than talk about these very basic things, even though the consequences are so great,” she said. “If everybody giggles and leaves the room, we’re going to remain with high levels of unplanned pregnancies but also high levels of abortion.”

And it's true. Until we can teach one whole generation that sex is not shameful, that it is okay to talk about and until we have informed them about the ins and outs and failure rates and health issues and, moreover, taught them to respect their own bodies and themselves, we will continue to see not just teens but adults experiencing unintended pregnancies in growing numbers.

Ranting aside, I was pleased that this well-written article was written. It shows what we know to be true: teens aren't the only ones who become pregnant and, as such, consider adoption as a possible option for their child. Next week I'll write a little about how teens face less of a stigma for considering adoption than those adults who experience unplanned pregnancies and why we need to fight that stigma. Together!

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No one plans to experience an unplanned pregnancy. (Or they wouldn't be unplanned!) Perhaps the sudden thrust into making decisions you have never before considered has left you angry. If so, read on. (Perhaps not, but read on anyway because the possibility of some anger issues isn't unheard of with regard to unplanned pregnancy!)

Maybe you're angry at your child's father, whether it was consensual sex or not. Maybe you're angry with your parents for being angry with you or for refusing to offer any support. Maybe you're angry with friends who have suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth since you announced your pregnancy. Maybe you're angry with society for being anti-abortion but anti-single-young-mothers as well. Maybe you're just plain old angry.

Whatever the case, I want you to know that it is okay to be angry.

Anger isn't inherently negative. In fact, anger, expressed appropriately, can be healthy. However, I have seen far too many an expectant mother dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, whether she was considering adoption or not, get stuck in a cycle of unhealthy anger. And, more so than maybe other members of the adoption triad, unhealthy anger is the most unhealthy for you at this point. That unhealthy anger can affect your still unborn baby.

And that's why I want to encourage you to seek out appropriate ways to express your anger. Right now. If the agency or attorney that you are working with/through is not offering you any form of legitimate counseling, I urge you to seek out some form of counseling or therapy. Dealing with these anger issues now can create an easier time communicating with your child's adoptive family should you choose to place, an easier pregnancy for you in terms of stress level and complications and, overall, a healthier baby.

Realize that communicating your anger in a mostly calm and respectful manner is the healthiest way to go about such a thing. Holding it in and, as such, internalizing that anger is not going to solve any of the problems that are making you angry. If you feel, at this time, unable to discuss the things that are making you angry with the people who are angering you, please consider journaling. I did this, actually, with the anger I was harboring towards my daughter's biological father. I did discuss it with him at a later date but during my pregnancy wasn't a real safe or viable time for me to approach those issues. Simply getting them out on paper gave me enough healing not to dwell on it and, as such, make myself even more angry.

I do find one exception to the "journal and wait" theory: a family that you are matched with as you consider adoption for your child. If you are angry with them, please discuss it. Now. Whether it was something they said, something they didn't say, something that did or something they didn't say, you need to discuss it as soon as possible. It is through this early communication and conflict resolution that you will better be able to make a decision as to whether or not this family is a good match for you and your child.

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If you are already matched with a potential family for your baby or in the process of seeking out such a family, I have one very important bit of advice for you: Learn how to effectively communicate. Now. Trust me on this one!

Right now, you are just getting to know one another. You are trying to get a feel for their personalities, their character and whether or not you feel that they will be the best family to raise your child. You are probably tentative in your question asking and in how you reply to their questions of you. You are likely to shy away from conflict out of a mixture of fear and respect. All of that is normal and expected.

But you need to try a little harder.

What do I mean? Well, it's kind of like when you are first dating a new significant other. You may find it easier to talk about the things that you have in common, things that aren't all that controversial and things that are currently going on in your separate and shared lives. However, as the relationship continues, disagreements pop up. If you have vastly different personalities, handling these disagreements can be difficult. Especially if you are young and not yet focused on marriage, my guess is that when you initially started dating the other individual, you didn't discuss how you would resolve conflict in a respectful and loving manner.

Well, let me tell you, you need to go ahead and do that with your child's potential family. Now.

While you may have matched with a family because their personality type(s) are strikingly like yours, that doesn't mean that they handle conflict, disagreement or other issues in the same manner. We are all highly individual people and we all handle stress in our own ways. Therefore, before any big issues hit your boat and rock it all over the place, you need to discuss a plan of action.

How do you want them to address issues with you when they are upset, angry or otherwise concerned? How do they wish to be addressed by you in similar situations? Are they likely to yell when they are angry? Are you? Or are they the silent type who won't contact you until their emotions are in check? I'm not saying all yelling is wrong. I'm not saying all silence is wrong. I am telling you that finding out which is likely to be the used method will help you better understand the issues at hand and get to the real meat of the problem in a much timelier fashion than if you have to try to figure out what the heck they are doing on top of everything.

Writing out a method of communication with regard to disagreements and arguments can save you a lot of heartache and time in the future. Would it be easier for a phone call to be made or an email to be sent? Would you prefer to send a letter by mail? Is it ever appropriate to discuss the issues first with a third party? Which third parties are acceptable: friends and family? Attorneys and mediators? A therapist or counselor? Speaking of attorneys and mediators, should anything go extremely wrong, at what point should one be contacted with regard to communication, if ever? Should the other party be told that a mediator is being contacted before the mediator then contacts the other party or would you rather the surprise?

There are a thousand and one (BILLION!) reasons that things can go awry with your open adoption relationship and the communication that keeps it alive. I know it sounds all doomsday-esque to talk about how to handle conflict before conflict ever happens but let me assure you: conflict will happen. It might be small. It might be large. Or it might be a case of what seems large to one party is really huge to another. That is why it is so important to discuss how to handle such things in advance.

What harm can it do? If in discussing how you'd like to handle these things, you find that this family does not mesh with your style of conflict communication at all, simply inform them (and any involved agencies) that they are not the proper match for you and your child. You are not bound to any one family or any one agency. You have every right to find a family that matches your ideals and needs. And this issue? Is a big one. So hit on it hard and early.

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As an expectant mother considering placement for your child, maybe you've heard about National Adoption Month. Maybe you heard it on the news, read about it in your local newspaper or saw it talked about somewhere on Adoption.com's website. Maybe you think it concerns you, your baby and the adoption plan that you might be making for your child.

Well, it doesn't.

Hold on. Back up. Wait. What?

It sounds ridiculous, right, that as a mother considering adoption, National Adoption Month isn't about you or your child at all. But it's true. National Adoption Month has nothing to do with newborn domestic adoption or even international adoption. Or even the adoptive parents who are participating in either of those types of adoption.

National Adoption Awareness Month was first created to bring awareness to the children waiting to be adopted in our foster care system. It began in 1976 when Massachusetts (then) Governor Mike Dukakis proclaimed an Adoption Week to bring attention to the issue. President Gerald Ford then made it a National Adoption Week. By 1990, they expanded it to an entire month to accommodate the number of states participating and the ever-growing number of events.

But, wait, hold up. Why am I telling you not to worry about it? Well, if you read the President's Proclamation for National Adoption Month, you might feel slighted. The President gives no mention to the agonizing and heartfelt decision that you are currently considering. He doesn't even talk about how you might be planning an open adoption and, as such, plan to be an encouraging, positive presence in your child's life. As such, you might feel as if no one cares about your decision or as if your role in your child's life is not important. That is why I am telling you all of this information.

Your role in your child's life should you choose to place (and, especially if you choose open adoption) is so vastly important. I want you to recognize that this month is more about children who are in absolute need of homes, not about you, your decision or your child. This month can also be hard for mothers who have just birthed and placed a child as no one is acknowledging their grief. The truth is that we are all important in the adoption triad and each of us contribute so much to one another as well as to adoption on the whole.

If you are feeling left out by this month or are just needing some extra support as the holidays near, please don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family or other birth mothers who are already living the life that you may or may not choose. I say it a lot but I mean it: you are never alone. If you need help finding support, please let us know. We are here for you.

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While reading the Sunday Secrets over at Post Secret yesterday, I came across one that really made me stop and think. It made me think about my own unplanned pregnancy. It made me think about my life before that positive pregnancy test. And it made me think of our readers on this blog. The photo was of two hands resting on a very pregnant belly. The text read:

If it hadn't been for an unplanned pregnancy, my next attempt at ending life would have succeeded.

It really made my breath catch in my throat.

I am sure that some read that secret and passed judgments on the anonymous mother. I am sure that some thought to themselves, "No one who has ever had thoughts like that should be allowed to parent." I'm sure they cast her off as a teenager or other young age. But depression isn't just for the young. Depression hits us all. And unplanned pregnancies aren't merely for teens.

I hope that this mother was able to receive the counseling that she needed. But part of me knows something else.

The sudden thrust into the maternal mindset can be a catalyst towards healing. Trust me. I am not saying that all those who are depressed should run out and get pregnant. But, for some, like me, it really can be a good push. Speaking personally, the focus on my depression and self only served to make my depression deeper and darker. But suddenly, it wasn't all about me. I had to focus on this new little life growing within my womb. My decisions now didn't just affect me, but that of the life of my child. I began eating well for the first time in years. While my agency didn't provide counseling, I did use journaling as a healthy outlet for my emotions at that time.

While I placed my daughter for adoption, that pregnancy and her life continued to be an influence towards healing in my life. Granted, the placement caused a whole new set of emotions and I will forever live with that lifelong grief. But I have wanted to be a better person because of her. I want to live my life in a way that makes her proud. It is because of that reason that I eventually sought out and began therapy.

So, yes, I get this secret on many levels. While we, as any kind of parents, should never rely on our children to offer us our healing, it is true that they sometimes offer us that push that we so desperately need.

Photo Credit: BeccaG on flickr.

I write about confessions on the subject of adoption with regularity over on the birth parent blog. As I was searching through the archives for adoption related ones, I came across this one that I thought would hit home with those experiencing a crisis pregnancy.

I was going to put my last baby up for adoption because my husband left me..He returned 2 weeks before she was born, and told me we weren't going do it. I was watching her crawl and giggle and it hit me that I could of missed out on every little step that I watch her take. I am so sorry....I just can't get it out of my head and I hope she will never find out about this. I love you baby girl!

There's so much in this one little confession that I don't know if I can hit on it all.

First of all, for birth parent detractors who like to paint us as drug abusing teenagers, this particular mother fits the published statistics of the Evan B Donaldson Institute study. Not a teenager. Not unmarried. Prior children in the family. Just wanted to put that one out there!

Can you see the desperation in her words? She was going to do it. It sounds as if there was a plan in place. With his return, the plans were scrapped. And you can hear the grief in her words as she watches her amazing daughter hit milestones that she even considered such a decision for her child.

Are you, as an expectant parent considering relinquishment, researching all aspects of this adventure? Are you talking with mothers who have chosen adoption? Happy and sad stories alike? Are you talking with mothers who have chosen to parent? Happy and sad stories alike? Are you talking with mothers who really considered placement but made the decision to parent sometime near the end? Happy and sad stories alike? You should be. This little confession is one that we don't hear too often. Frequently the mothers who have deeply considered adoption and ended up parenting fade into the sunset, trying to put their hard tale behind them and focus on the future they have with their child. Many of them are embarrassed and ashamed that they even considered such a decision. The fact that this particular confession was shared on an anonymous site shows the stigma that is attached to placement and, even more so, deciding to parent when previously considering placement.

I hope that this particular confession encourages you not to blindly choose one path but to do the research by talking with mothers who have been through these situations. They are available to you en masse if you only take the time to seek them out. If you would like to be put in contact with a mother who has been through circumstances similar to your own, please leave a comment or email jennah at adoptionblogs dot com and I will put you in contact with a mother who has walked in similar shoes.

You're never alone!

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I just wrote over on the birth parent blog how people sometime balk when I talk about my daughter or share our adoption story. However, having been in your shoes before, I can also remember when people would balk when I would talk about how I was placing my child for adoption when she was born. Having the hindsight I have now, as a birth mother, I thought I could offer you some support and some insight into what they may be thinking or feeling. It doesn't excuse any disrespect on their part but sometimes understanding where people are coming from can really help soothe your own wounds.

As I told different people about the plan to place my daughter for adoption after she was born, I got various reactions. I wasn't always sure what to make of them and I was even less sure how I should respond.

Some people nodded their heads, patted me on the back and told me I was doing the "right thing" for my daughter and myself. At the time, this gave me a conflicted feeling. I enjoyed their positive support as no one really likes a negative reaction. However, this particular reply was a backhanded compliment of sorts. Weren't they saying that by doing the "right thing" that I was totally incompetent to parent and, thus, insulting me in that manner? I usually just said thank you to these people as I wasn't one to want to create confrontational drama.

Some people totally flipped out on me. "How could you give away your baby?! Are you that heartless?!" These people usually upset me. The truth is that if they had stated their thoughts in a less confrontational manner, I might have listened to what they had to say. Instead, they were so nasty and negative, I tuned them out. I mostly replied that I was not heartless and yes, in fact, I did love my baby. I tried to educate these people on some misunderstandings and stereotypes about birth mothers and the reasons behind my placement plan.

And some people, I'll be honest, I didn't even tell until after the Munchkin was born and subsequently relinquished. One of these people? Was an adoptee. This, of course, makes absolutely no sense to me in hindsight. I should have been asking her all of my questions. I should have asked her how it was to grow up in an adopted home. I should have asked her how it felt to have that lack of connection with her biological family. I should have picked her brain for eons. And I should have sought out the opinions of other adoptees. But I didn't. And I know it was for fear of judgment. I'll admit to that now as I did to her when I let her know about the adoption in the months after placement. I didn't have many resources available to me at the time and their lack of presence isn't my fault. But not using her as a resource is my fault and I accept that responsibility.

The truth is that people are going to have a wide range of responses when you share that you may or may not be placing your baby for adoption. I encourage you to listen to what they have to say and then respond in an honest manner. If their words have hurt you or made you uncomfortable in anyway, ask yourself why first. Are they challenging to think outside of what you have previously considered? Or, on the flip side, are they not willing to think outside of their own little box? The answer to that question will then dictate your response.

If you are being challenged to think outside of your box, do so. Ask this person questions. Pick their brain. Why did they respond in that manner? Are they touched by adoption? Ask them their experience. If they are not touched by adoption, ask them how they came to that belief. Have a real conversation on the matter.

If they are not thinking outside of their box, really challenge them (respectfully!) to do so. Explain your situation. Educate them on how adoption has changed in the past thirty years. Again ask them how they came to their conclusions on adoption. Perhaps they, too, are touched by adoption and aren't basing their negativity solely on stereotypes. Maybe they have a really bad experience.

Realize, too, that all experiences are different. Listen to what people are saying to you, use what you can and let go of what you can't use.

In the end, it will be your decision no matter what the world thinks about you, that decision, birth parents or adoption in general. You need to make a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life. You need to be able to handle the questions that will inevitably follow. If you're having a hard time justifying either parenting or placement, perhaps you need to consider one or the other with more research. Remember that your decision is not final while you are pregnant. It must be made again after birth.

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Recently I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. It takes me forever to fall to sleep and then once I am asleep I wake up multiple times. While I am not pregnant, this sleeping issue reminds me of being pregnant with Charlie. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had the hardest time finding a comfortable position to sleep in.

Are you experiencing difficulty sleeping during your pregnancy? You are not alone! Issues with sleep are common amongst pregnant women especially during the third trimester.

Below are a few things that could be preventing you from sleeping or could be waking you up during the night as well as ways to deal with them.

Do you wake up a lot to go to the bathroom? Do not drink a lot of fluids right before going to bed but be sure to drink plenty through out the day so you do not get dehydrated.

Do you seem to have heartburn the second your head hits the pillow? Try elevating your head slightly by sleeping on an additional pillow. Also avoid spicy foods and stop eating a few hours before bed time.

Are you having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position during your last trimester? Don’t sleep flat on your back and try to lay on your left side which also allows for the best blood flow to the baby, your uterus, and kidneys. Use a body pillow to support your pregnant belly.

Vivid dreams or nightmares waking you up? Try to get in a relaxed state of mind before going to bed by listening to soothing music, taking a warm shower, reading a calming book, or drinking a cup of warm caffeine free tea or milk. Don’t do any serious projects right before bed time and avoid heavy discussions (about things like finances) right before going to bed.

Hopefully you can find a way to get some much needed rest.

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