Taking care of yourself is one of the most important things you can do, especially if you're pregnant--whether it's a planned or unplanned pregnancy. However, this may be difficult to do while you're sorting through your unplanned pregnancy options. The process of sorting through your options can be long, tedious, and sometimes overwhelming, as you have many facts to consider, but taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally is a crucial part of making an informed decision. And an informed decision is the best decision you could ever make. Mentally: During this important period of decision-making, your mind can seem to get in the way sometimes. And because of this, it's important to take some mental breaks throughout the process. When you… [more]
In my previous post, I began talking about the difference between an unplanned pregnancy and a crisis. I want to share my experiences and demonstrate the difference between a pregnancy and a crisis, so others won't make my same mistakes. My experience of going into the hospital with premature labor took away all of my control around my pregnancy and birth. If I could change anything, I would have found a midwife and had a homebirth. When the doctor transferred me into her care, I asked for help with my baby. She stated adoption as the solution because I was unmarried and not Catholic. She gave me several profiles of families to look through that went to her church. The day after… [more]
Just like parenting, if you choose to place, your life will change in every way. Simply conceiving a child makes those changes within a woman. Deciding to carry to term, no matter the eventual decision, brings even more changes. Placing your child for adoption brings different changes to a woman's life than parenting but the changes still exist. So what are they? 1. You'll feel like a mother. This is difficult, of course, as you won't have a child to show for it. This feeling will catch you off guard at times, especially if you were told that you didn't have what it took to be a mother. The maternal instinct isn't immediately eradicated by the signing of the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). 2. Grief and loss. While some people will… [more]
From time to time I ask different birthmothers what they wish they had known while they were pregnant and before placing their children for adoption. If you are pregnant and considering adoption, you may find their thoughts helpful. To read previous posts in this series look at the links at the bottom of this post.
- “I wish I had known that although the agency was nice while I was pregnant, they didn’t truly care about me. Once they had my baby, they really didn’t need to be nice to me anymore.” (statement by R.)
- “I wish I had known that open adoption was not legally binding, that my daughter’s adoptive parents could cut off contact with me at any point and
This is a continuation of the original list of Ten Things the Adoption Professionals Forgot to Tell Us. Some of the ideas for the second part of the list have come from suggestions in the comments section of the original post. I wish the adoption agency had told me… 11. That there is no need to rush a decision. I could make the decision in my own time frame, not theirs. 12. That the adoption decision does not have to be made before the baby was born. I could have made the decision, made an adoption plan, and chosen adoptive parents after the baby was born as well. 13. That I had the right to take my baby… [more]
I got a little help from my friends on this one. These are some of the top things that we as birthmothers feel that adoption professionals forget to tell you while pregnant and making an adoption plan. Thanks to my friends who helped out with this post! We wish adoption professionals had told us…
- That open adoptions are not legally binding or enforceable. It really is dependent on whether or not the family you have chosen is trust worthy or not, which is often hard to detect in just a few months time. Legally they can close the adoption at any point whether it is in the “best interests of the child” or not.
- That I
While surfing the net recently, I came across a page on Adoption.com’s crisis pregnancy area. The page is a list of questions compiled by different birthmothers. They did not ask these questions while pregnant and making an adoption plan, but in hindsight wish they had. It’s a pretty good list and one I feel is worth sharing with you, as you may want to ask some of these questions yourself. Asking them may lessen the “what if” scenarios later on down the road post placement. The list contains questions to ask yourself, your parents, and the adoption agency, attorney, or social worker you may be working with. I Should Have Asked:
- My parents if they would help me raise my
Another installment of the What You Wish you had Known series where my birthmother friends recount the things they wish they had known about adoption before placing their children for adoption. To read the other posts in this series, see the links at the bottom. N became a birthmom in a semi open adoption in 2000. ”I wish I would have known that having other children may not have been possible and that the baby I placed could have been my last. I wish I would have known that time doesn’t heal the wounds and my child would forever have a piece of my heart.” R’s daughter and son are now three and four years old and are in open and semi-open adoptions… [more]
You may be getting sick of my What You Wish You Would Have Known series but has it generated a lot of response. I received many comments, emails, and forum posts with many of your thoughts as to what you wish you had known prior to placing your child for adoption. Many of them sang the same tune over and over, just in different words. Many of the birthmothers wish they had known the lifelong grief they would experience as a result of placing their child for adoption. I posted some of the responses in other blog entries and kind of thought I was done with the series. But then I received the following reply to that post from Nicole, a… [more]
In continuation from previous posts asking birthmothers the question, “What do you wish you would have known while you were going through the adoption process that you know now?” Analiah placed two daughters in open adoptions in 2004 and 2005. ”I wish I would have found other birthmoms to talk to while I was pregnant and talk to people who already went through the adoption process .I wish I knew that I would be forever changed by giving someone else a family. I wish I would have know how much I would hurt,I wish that I would have know how much I would appreciate the whole thing .I guess I wish I would have know about adoption before going threw it .But I would… [more]