I can't hit the suggested word count in this post, because some events are just too good to be covered up in a lot of talking. But I am thankful for two very important things right now:

1. That I summoned the courage to call my son's family on his birthday; that I had a warm, friendly, productive conversation with his mom; that his health and behavior seem better; that he got to tell me about his birthday party and his presents in his own words; that he is so very smart, asking all kinds of penetrating questions about my recent trip to China and why I chose for him the gifts I chose; that he FINALLY knows who I am to him, and that he said "I love you" twice. Twice... more

Love Thursday - what a great way to take a break from all the seriousness of my normal posts.

Here are side-by-side shots of my son and I, taken when we were both 2. (He's 8 now.) We look pretty similar, yes? What I like about these pictures is that they show the undeniable tie between birthparents and their children. We have certain links that no one can take away.

The next photo is another favorite, because it shows how much I love him--although it makes me a little sad, too, because at this point in our story, he had no idea who I was. Still, it's a photo I like and am happy... more

My co-blogger Coley has just written an excellent post about hospital memories, and I’d like to expand on the subject, because it resonates so deeply with me.

Prior to becoming a birthmother, I never had a hospital phobia, but today, I can't stand the places. This newfound anxiety is all thanks to the adoption memories.

Recently, I moved to a new state, so I no longer see the hospital where I lost my son. But I used to have to drive by it daily, and for many years afterwards, I actually started to feel a little panicky whenever I would see it.... more

A continuation from the last post...

And then there are the moments that are not crushing, but more disturbing or annoying, such as:

--Hearing the many adoptive parents in my office talk about their children and the adoption process, while never acknowledging the existence of people like me (or worse, making derogatory comments about birthfamilies). All parents are justifiably proud of their kids, so again, I do not begrudge adoptive parents their pride. It’s what they say, and how they say it, that matters. Whenever it’s insensitive,... more

If you become a birthmom, there are many small moments of grief that may sneak up on you, things you never anticipated being an issue before you surrender your child.

I pretty much knew to expect the Big Grief (although I definitely underestimated just how big it would be) but I certainly never thought that the small pangs would add up in quite the way that they do. In some ways, these tiny pinpricks wear you down more than the regular grieving process does – because unlike the main grief, they don’t progress through logical stages, and they don’t reduce... more

Another in the series of posts describing "unphotographable" moments in adoption - those times that stand out in memory, but aren't captured on film. My son’s family is coming to visit for the first time since his birth. I’ve waited eight long months for this day—prayed for it, in fact. I have two carefully-chosen presents for him, and I’ve bought a new outfit for myself. The still camera is loaded with film, and I’ve assigned my sister the role of videographer. I’m not going to miss a minute of this day.

I wait by the bay window... more

A few of my fellow bloggers here at adoptionblogs.com have been writing a series of terrifically poignant posts called “Unphotographable,” intended to bring to life those hard-to-describe moments in adoption.

Some of the Unphotographables have been about the happier moments in adoption—things like the first time an adoptive parent sees their new child, or vivid scenes from travel to foreign countries. Unfortunately, as a birthparent, my memories are mostly not that great.

Here are a... more

As I've mentioned before on many occasions, I love to travel. When I go to a new country, I always like to talk to people about issues that are most important to me, including adoption.

In Egypt, I met a young man named Ashraf. We kept in touch after my travels, discussing politics, religion and other touchy subjects. I'll never forget the response I got when I told him about the circumstances surrounding the surrender of my son. He listened to my story, and then said, with great emotion, "You Americans are crazy. In my country, the family would work together... more

I’ve been thinking lately about the way having a baby radically changes you.

It doesn’t matter whether you ultimately raise your child or not—you will never be the same person you were before you became a mother.

Looking back on my own pregnancy, I can see that I had the impression that as long as I gave up my son, my life would go back to the way it was before I got pregnant. This is of course not even remotely close to how it actually plays out. In reality, the moment you deliver, you become a new person. You stop looking at the world only through your eyes, and start seeing through your child's as well. The things that were important to you before motherhood (for me,... more