Why do I dislike adoption advertising so much? Lately I’ve been trying to pin down the source of my aversion, and I came up with a few reasons I find the practice so distasteful.

1. It’s cheapening. This is something I’ve never liked about America – the fact that everything can be bought and sold. We will market literally ANYTHING—even the most private, sensitive social problems. But some things should not be pushed using advertising, and I think surrender is one of them. (I don’t like most other forms of adoption advertising,... more

I came across an interesting thread on the forums recently. This question was asked:

If you can call a pregnant women a mother before the act of giving birth, it certainly stands to reason that you could call a pregnant woman considering adoption a birthmother before giving birth, so why the split hairs?

So, if we can call a pregnant woman a mother before giving birth, why do we have an issue... more

Note that these are MY pet peeves. I don't claim to speak for all birthparents, because I can't...we're a diverse group of people, with different views and opinions. These are just some of the big things that drive ME crazy about contemporary adoption practice, and/or life as a birthparent.

1. Adoptive parents who call their child’s birthmom “OUR birthmom” 2. Non-enforceable open adoption contracts 3. Pictures that don’t arrive when promised 4. "Dear birthmother" letters addressed to expectant mothers 5. Adoption advertising... more

Allow me to direct you to a recent post on the always-excellent blog, Paragraphein.

In it, author Nicole writes about an innocent little conversation-starter that can be pretty darn painful for us birthparents. The question: “Do you have any children?” It comes up often, and usually in the worst sorts of circumstances.

It’s just a friendly question, so what makes it so bad? It’s that every time we are asked, we have to make a choice—and none of them are easy. For instance,... more

Ah, the desire for a two-parent family – the reason behind many a surrender.

Before I lived through my own unplanned pregnancy and surrender, I was pretty convinced of the need for two-parent families. At that point in my life, I wasn't the political conservative I had once been, but I still had the idea that single mothers were "bad" for society. I also thought that any child who was being raised by just one parent was probably doomed to failure. Especially boys. I had the notion that while girls could somehow muddle through without a participating... more

Should hopeful adoptive parents pay the living expenses of women considering adoption?

I’m of two minds about this one.

Mostly I dislike the idea.

To be quite frank about it, having your living expenses paid for nine months is a pretty big incentive to hand over the kid at the end. If the expectant mom begins to realize that she wants to parent, the daunting prospect of having to come up with all that money is a significant enough burden that she’ll probably go along with the original plan, despite her misgivings.

I also think there’s a small taint... more

An article appeared in the Chicago Tribune today debating the merits of safe haven laws. It was interesting reading.

The article poses the question, “Are safe haven laws effective or just well-intentioned?” Honestly, I totally haven’t made up my mind exactly on how I feel about these safe haven laws. I can see the pros and cons to having and not having safe haven laws but I’m leaning more towards the side of them being well intentioned.

To... more

Here's my own personal list of things NOT to say to a woman considering adoption:

1. “He’ll be better off with a family who can give him more.” What I always want to say people who spout off this kind of comment so easily is, “Really? And how do you know this? Just how far into the future are you able to see?”

I also want them to define “more.” Are we talking material things? How do you know what level of material goods are best for a child to have? Many kids who grow up in poverty turn out to be much better people than those who had everything... more

For the next month I’ll be in the midst of relocating for a new job, which means I'm not able to post as much as I’d like. To help kick start me into writing more, I recently asked the ladies over at the Unplanned Pregnancy forum for topics they’d like me to address.

Here’s the first request, from Jenna:

"I've recently become interested in how many first parents were told to abort by either a family member or the father of the child, and the reasons as to why they did not do it."

I... more

(My apologies for being so terrible about updating this blog this week. The excuse is that I've been travelling, and time has been very scarce.)

How close should you become to the prospective adoptive parents before your baby's birth? There is no easy answer to this question. Even the experts don't agree. Just take a look at these varied points of view. (Trouble with the link? Just go to birthpsychology.com, the home page of the Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health. Then find the section on... more