You may be making your decision based on promises of openness, but you need to consider how you'll feel if those promises aren't kept. I wrote about this topic back in 2002. Because it's a long article, I'll break it into several parts. Here it is...Broken Promises.

On the e-mail support groups where birthmothers go to seek a soft shoulder, ask for advice and trade photos of their children, the messages come in like clockwork.

“Ladies, help. I don’t understand what’s going on. My daughter’s parents are cutting... more

I also fault the women I spoke to for neglecting to bring up the longer-term effects of birthmotherhood, such as the loss of connection to your grandchildren (remember, adoption changes everything for future generations of your family, not just the present one). They forgot to talk about the sadness the missing child causes for your nieces and nephews. They didn’t mention what it might be like to see your own father break down and cry, completely demoralized by not getting to be Grandpa.

Maybe I’m being too hard on these women I spoke to. Probably it’s impossible to know what it feels like until you’ve done it. I know I’m not doing a good job of it here.

My point is, in hindsight... more

Usually it's expectant parents or brand new birthparents who are heartily criticized for "changing their minds" (as if re-thinking your initial decision about something so monumental is irresponsible or flighty). However, sometimes the change of heart goes the other way. That's what happened to me.

I was eight months pregnant. After a long search, I'd finally found what I thought was the perfect family on the Web. We'd communicated for months, exchanged presents, and were preparing to meet for the first time. When I talked to my growing baby, I told him that he would be going to live with these people.

It was to be a private adoption.

Little did I know they were also... more

How did you get the news that you were pregnant? For me, it was not the best series of events. Every moment went exactly the opposite of how you'd prefer to find out, and break the news to others, that you are unexpectedly pregnant.

I became pregnant after a one-night encounter; I was not on birth control at the time because I hadn't had sex in about a year and didn't anticipate that I would.

My son's father later told me that he knew right away that I was pregnant. Looking back on it, I think I too knew something had changed that next day—everything just felt different—but I went about my business and did not think about the possibilities.

A few weeks later, around... more