One of the things that I think many women considering adoption don’t think about is that they never may be able to have anymore children. It was certainly not something that I thought about. I just assumed that I would be able to have more children when I was ready to. And then we decided we were ready and we tried and we tried and we tried. Finally we conceived and were thrilled beyond words. But then the unexpected happened and we lost that baby. Having dealt with three miscarriages and one relinquishment, I unfortunately know way more than I ever wanted to know about grief and loss.

Miscarriages... more

If you become a birthmom, there are many small moments of grief that may sneak up on you, things you never anticipated being an issue before you surrender your child.

I pretty much knew to expect the Big Grief (although I definitely underestimated just how big it would be) but I certainly never thought that the small pangs would add up in quite the way that they do. In some ways, these tiny pinpricks wear you down more than the regular grieving process does – because unlike the main grief, they don’t progress through logical stages, and they don’t reduce... more

As I said before, there is no time table for grief and you can stay in one stage for days/weeks and then move to a different stage and then you might even track back. All of this is healthy and ok. It’s hard to get to a healthy balance of grieving and living.

When grief is too intense or last too long it can cause prolonged problems as the sadness evolves into dark depression and anxiety disorders. Extreme reactions may include:

Feelings of panic and frenzy Emotional numbness that does not go away Going to extremes to avoid thinking of the loss ... more

You are trying to cope with the stress and largeness of your grief. You are taking things on a day to day basis – just trying to survive. Each of us has different ways to deal with our grief just as we each deal with grief differently. Recall how you have dealt with major loss in the past and use some of those techniques now. It is important to remember that some ways of coping are healthy and positive such as journaling, crying, etc while other methods of coping such as substance abuse are unhealthy and self destructive.

Some ways to cope –

Allow yourself to... more