In one of her posts, my co-blogger, Heather came to the realization that not everyone thinking of an adoption plan is a first time mother. Back when I knew absolutely nothing about adoption, I would have had to agree with her. While making an adoption plan, I felt “different” because I felt like I was probably one of the few that made an adoption plan for the child she was carrying while she parented another child.

But after relinquishing Charlie and getting active in... more

So, you are pregnant and exploring your options and you are leaning towards adoption. Here’s a few important things I think all expectant mothers considering adoption should remember.

First off, never forget that you are a mother. People may call you a birtmother while you are still pregnant, but you are not. You do not become a birthmother unitl you actually sign those relinquishment papers. You are simply an expectant mother trying to make the best the decision for her baby. You are a good mother!

Now, let’s get back to what to expect when you are expecting to... more

The other assumption I’ve made, which isn’t always accurate, is that you are not yet a birthmom. Some women relinquish two children in a row, maybe even three or more.

I confess I sometimes have difficulty imagining what this must be like. Take all the grief and shame associated with losing one child, and then multiply it. It must be horrible.

Part of the reason these situations are so painful is that they represent a highly unsupported loss. There is even more of a stigma attached to multiple relinquishments than to one. People wonder why a woman "can’t get it together"... more

In my blog thus far, I’ve generally written as if I assume two facts:

that this will be your first child that you have not previously relinquished a baby

But unplanned pregnancies come in all varieties, so I want to acknowledge that these things may not be true for you personally. Part 1 of this post will talk about relinquishing a second or subsequent child. Part 2 will talk about multiple relinquishments.

While most women who are considering adoption are first-time mothers, this is by no means always the case. Perhaps the reason you are considering adoption... more

The Elizabeth Samuels article on revocation periods continues to provide fascinating reading. (Abstract available here.) I think every single person touched by adoption ought to feel obligated to read this piece. You can order your copy of the full article here.

I plan to spend several posts covering the content, but want to begin with one of the least-known issues: the fact that most surrendering parents are not... more

In my case, I did not even consider adoption an option until hearing of the open kind. The idea of traditional closed adoption—not being able to know where my child was or how he was doing—was unfathomable to me. I could not accept the idea of sending my baby out into the world without knowing where he was, who he was with, or if he was okay. Open adoption seemed to solve this problem.

I can remember how the idea came up. My best friend gave me an article from Glamour magazine about a happy open adoption. I’d never heard of it before, but the idea made... more

Have you ever heard the phrase “the carrot and the stick”? The image is of an animal tempted to forward motion by a carrot dangling in front of its nose, with a stick to swat the animal forward in case the carrot isn’t convincing enough. The carrot is the reward, the stick is the punishment.

Some people have called open adoption a “carrot.” Are they right? Is open adoption merely an incentive to place, for those who would not otherwise have done so? The answer is no, that's not the intention, but it can work out that way.

If a pregnant woman doesn’t... more

When I gave birth to my son, the adopting parents were there. His mother-to-be stood at my right side, the father-to-be at my left. They each held one of my hands as I pushed, and the adoptive father-to-be cut the cord. Afterward, they were constant visitors at the hospital, and their family members filled the room, displacing my own friends and family. Needless to say, I didn’t get much alone time with my son. Our goodbyes were rushed, and less than private.

I allowed all this because I understood that it is natural for adopting parents to want to be present at the birth of what will soon... more

My single best piece of advice to pregnant women considering adoption is to make the decision twice--once before the birth, and once again after the birth.

As a graduate student in marketing communications, I’m currently taking a class that covers how people make the decision to take action (in the case of my class, it's the decision to buy a product).The stages of consideration for buying something are awareness, information gathering, pre-purchase evaluation, decision-making, purchase, and post-purchase evaluation.

However, these stages also apply to most other decisions... more

In my continuing effort to bring you words of advice from other birthmoms, here is some wise counsel from Cassie Sala.

Cassie lives in Washington state and is a doula who assists at home births. She is the birthmother of Sam, and the parent of two boys, Canyon and River. Sam’s family and Cassie have a very open adoption, seeing each other regularly.

Here is Cassie’s advice:

“The first thing I thought of when imagining what I would tell a woman in a crisis pregnancy (among many pieces of advice!) is to love that baby inside... more